Day 3 of writing for reason:
I don’t feel the urge to write this. But muscle memory won’t memorise itself. I understand how inaccurate that last sentence was and frankly I like the way it sounds. So it stays. When I say I don’t feel the urge to write this, it’s not out of anger or boredom. It’s not out of nihilism either. Thankfully.
It’s largely because I believe that this piece lacks the motivation it needs to be readable. But that’s not why I’m writing these pieces. They serve a deeper purpose. I say that because it’s the only way I can convince myself.
This morning is quieter than others. This morning feels a bit empty. And not necessarily emotionally. You ever get the feeling that even though the fan/air-conditioner is doing its job to shake things up, the room still lacks a bit of air? It’s not hot, not cold, just blank. There’s no movement.
The room seems empty, it’s just me here. I look around suspiciously, not to inspect the silence, but to understand whether what I’m feeling is actually happening. I realise the words aren’t flowing as smooth today. The backspace key is getting its early morning workout.
So I change my location, open a window. All to hear nothing. The roads were busy this time yesterday. The crows were cawing in disharmony. I wonder what changed today.
I’m sure I can blame this on a natural phenomena where there’s less air in the room and less air about myself. I’m needed to show more patience today. Need to dig deeper and be relentless with myself to get through this exercise. I’m appreciating my own effort here. But I’m appreciating yours as well. My words hold no meaning if not for you to read them.
Word by word, whether backspaced or not, I build confidence. I’m showing myself I can get something done even if I lack the motivation. The room seems to be filling up gradually. Maybe, opening the window helped.
I crank up the fan to cut the silence. I plan a mental breakfast. I crave the taste, yet I’m tempted to skip it in an attempt to attempt to sleep. Words intentionally repeated, emphasis on the second ‘attempt to’. Is breakfast still the most important meal of the day if you end yours with it?