(WARNING: the methods mentioned here are results of various surveys, tests and experiences, they are highly effective, I shall not be held responsible for the relationships weakened, broken, annihilated after the application of these sure shot ways.)
Order at random.
- Tell them the truth
(the real truth, not the real-friends-are-real-with-each-other sorta crap)
There has been a saying flying around saying the difference between a friend and a best friend is that a best friend wouldn’t lie to you. Now that’s bullshit, if you’re best friend came up to you and told you the complete unadulterated truth about you, then you’d find yourself lacking on a few things, your best friend and self-respect would be a couple of them.
“You are downright ugly and shamefully poor, you make me look good and I still look like a douche bag. You think you’re reasonably funny? Ironically that’s the funniest thing you’ve ever told me. I pity you, brother and I’m homeless!”
- Play the lack of hygiene card.
Nothing hurts them more, they might know how dirty they behave, but it’s nothing like a best friend walking up and greeting you with a Namaste.
OR go reverso
Tell ‘em how many times you shook their hands after coming straight out of the washroom and how washing hands after going to the loo is such a wastage of water, scratch your armpit while you say that for the best effect.
Bonus tip: Not convincing enough vocally? Try washing/wiping/sanitizing your hands immediately after greeting your friend to achieve similar results.
- Hit on their girlfriends (unless you’re a girl, then it’ll only make the friendship stronger)
Nothing is worse than a friend hitting on your girlfriend. I blame it on the forbidden fruit syndrome. One simply wants what they can’t have. Though in actuality, one does simply not have a crush on a friend’s girlfriend.
- Talk trash about their idols
Don’t think this’ll work? Well, then…
1. Tell a cricket fanatic Sachin plays tests only so that Kallis doesn’t surpass him
2. Tell an aspiring jazz dancer how Shiamak is gay
3. Tell a body builder how SRK is better than Salman Khan
I can go on.
If one idolises a particular individual, considers him as a role model, follows his every move and tries to employ them in his own life, then the worst thing you can do is try to take all of it away from it.
If you try to pull one of these on someone (especially the Salman-to-the-Builder one), and live to see another day, then tell me how it goes.
- Crush their hopes and dreams:
Following is a dialogue I’ve heard so often, I have it memorised.
“So you want to be a writer? I want to write too, my plan’s to get a job, do my MBA on the side and then perhaps write a bestseller while I handle my dad’s business. Oh, you intend to just write? Err… that could work too.”
Oh the number of times I’ve been on the wrong side of my own list! *sighs*
Behaviour as such might not just push people away from you, but might also push them screaming off a cliff. Telling them how their life’s aspirations are ridiculous and they are on the highway to hell, even if it’s true could be devastating. As H. Jackson Brown, Jr. had rightfully said, “Never deprive someone of hope; it might be all they have.” In this case, however, if you wish to be left alone, then go ahead, make their day!
Please note that i’ve ignored all the clichés, like building trust and shattering it, lying & backstabbing, ‘borrowing’ money with no intention to return, Yo momma jokes, etc.
So, here you go. Five fool-proof ways to lose friends and have people despise you, and if they still don’t, well then lucky you. Now, whether you want to achieve the exact opposite result, then do it by doing the exact opposite of these 5 things. Simple as that!